One of the regular myths perpetuated by popular culture and even psychologists is – “If the couple cannot have sex, it means there is a problem in the relationship. If you fix the relationship, sex will take care of itself.”

 

For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by the subject of sexuality. With real dearth of both information as well as open dialogue, this subject gets buried underneath toxic ideas ranging from sex being sinful to shameful to dangerous to shady!

 

And yet, sexuality is not just the physical act of sex. It includes, among other things –

 

1. Sex as a physical need – a release

2. Sex as recreation

3. Sex as a means of reproduction

4. Sex as a means of couple’s connection

5. Sexual energy – Eroticism

 

Sex also forms the foundation of a healthy and happy relationship. My work as a lawyer, as well as a sexuality coach helping my clients and friends has only made me realise and understand that dissatisfaction or unhappiness in bed is one of the most common reasons of divorce, even if people don’t exactly write that in divorce petitions.

 

Sexuality being a taboo and the requirement of proving impotency as a ground for divorce means that most people unsatisfied in bed have no option but to either stay in a sexless relationship or separate while pleading other grounds. This obviously doesn’t solve the problem at all, and only adds to misery.

 

Very few sexual problems are truly “unfixable”. Most issues can be resolved with open communication, exploration of different techniques and expanding the understanding and narrow definitions of sexual play.

 

One of the regular myths perpetuated by popular culture and even psychologists is – “If the couple cannot have sex, it means there is a problem in the relationship. If you fix the relationship, sex will take care of itself.”

 

This maybe the case in some situations. But not all and not always.

 

There are marriages and couples who have a great relationship, understanding, love and care – yet, they are unable to have sex or are not satisfied in bed. Reasons can range from stress, sexual taboos, strong pre-conceived notions, internalised aversion to sex, to a difference in libidos or sexual incompatibility.

 

Which brings me to second biggest myth about sex – That it is supposed to be natural. That you shouldn’t have to make an effort for it. If you have to make an effort, or if it is not spontaneous, there is a problem.

 

This is also not true. In fact, most partners in long term relationships will tell you that it is anything but spontaneous!

 

In the situations where couples desire to address the problem and resolve it, there are a lot of techniques, exercises and practices in therapy. Through my sessions, I speak to the couples, go to the root cause of the issue and advice the best course of action – which rangers from, among other things –

 

a) Learning about each other’s bodies and sexualities

 

b) Rekindling desire, using intimacy maps

 

c) re-grounding of sexual needs and expectations

 

d) Exploring and developing sexual playfulness

 

d) Redefining and widening of the sexual landscape

 

The aim here is to have an open dialogue, help people understand and express their sexuality to live a healthier and happier life.